FAQ: Why Are You Single?
Like most unmarried adults, I am asked this question quite often. Particularly now, after the popularity of “The Most Eligible Christian Bachelor.” Friends and strangers seem to really want to know.
The intentions of the asker are often quite complementary. A certain eligibility is implied with a “makes no sense” attitude. Sometimes, the question is asked with a much more concerned yet curious tone. The asker squints a little as they infer there must be some deep wound, struggle, or tragedy behind my fate.
To be honest, I typically deflect the question and change the topic. I’m finally writing about this question for a couple of reasons: First, to make a point on [highlight]why you should almost never ask that question.[/highlight] Second, it’s not fair of me to write at length about relationships in the church and not be open about my story. I will answer the question for anyone curious, but not before I give some alternate answers.
Answer 1: How dare you. You don’t know me.
Single adulthood is a rough road and the reasons why, or the very fact someone is not married, can be deeply painful. To ask that question in ignorance of years, sometimes decades, of life is insensitive at best.
I could be single because I married young and she died. Perhaps she passed in childbirth taking our son with her. Maybe I was married and she simply gave up for no real reason, divorcing me. Maybe she had an affair and a child with another man. I might be stricken with deep emotional trauma from abuse or sexual confusion, unable to be in a relationship. Or perhaps every single woman I have ever asked out has rejected me, and despite anything I try I find myself alone.
Those examples might sound harsh, but they are all real stories of close friends. I know far too many similar stories. The stories I hear from women can be worse. The point is, you don’t know. Unmarried adults live in a very real, very physical, very broken world. Even with the best case “it just hasn’t happened yet” story, the reality is most likely a sensitive nerve connected to heartbreak, disappointment, and rejection.
For many, this is not a flippant question. Let’s classify this in the same way we do about asking a woman whether she is pregnant. You just don’t. Not unless you are in a close enough relationship to be someone they would open up to about deeply personal issues.
The reasons someone who wants to be married isn’t may not be dramatic. Plenty have healthy stories. Just don’t risk it as a rule of thumb. This is where God has them. Period. That is that. Nothing more needs to be said. The question does not need to be asked.
Agreed?
Answer 2: Are you insinuating something?
Spending a life inside Christian culture, I have been asked this question a few times in interviews for positions of leadership. There are ministry jobs you aren’t even eligible for if you are not married. Why is this? What is the fear? Think about it.
The interviewers always do their best to hide their motives. They realize the sensitive nature of what they are wanting to know. Despite sincere intentions, the game is obvious, accusatory, and degrading…but I get into all that at length elsewhere. The point:
Some very shallow and simple-minded people consider singleness as evidence of deep character flaws. Suggesting that if you did not get married young, something must be “wrong” with you: refusal to grow up, issues with women, homosexuality, an inevitability of abusing the position for sexual indiscretion, or worse. As if marriage makes any of that less likely.
I know you are not one of those people. If you are, we are going to have a much longer discussion. I get the concerns, trust me, but asking the question with such intentions is unbecoming. There are better ways to approach these issues.
I’ve had a dozen interviews in front of around 40 of the most mature Christians I’ve ever met to be given the position I currently hold. To Moody’s credit, it never came up. Not one time. A hallmark of a theologically healthy community. If Moody does not deem it a worthy inquisition, neither need you.
Answer 3: I do not know.
This is probably the best answer you can hope to get, and the most common one (even if they would prefer to give you answer 1). It’s not as if you will get a serious reply of “well, clearly I am awful with women.” Although, I do sarcastically throw that one out from time to time.
Who really knows why desires for a spouse go unfulfilled. It happens independent of looks, personality, character, effort, or anything in anyone’s control. Again, this is where God has them. Period. That is that. Nothing more needs to be said.
You tell me. Strike that, please don’t. All too often it turns out the question is asked as a set up to offer advice/critique. In this case, the person is almost always projecting their own hang-ups and assumptions. “Well, you’re just going after the wrong type of girls.” Let me stop you right there. Besides the fact that it is weak to ask a question so you can tell someone what is wrong with them, and such statements are disrespectful to those women, you probably don’t know the person well enough for whatever you plan to say (see point 1). Best to save it.
If “I don’t know” is best answer you can get from that question, it further reveals why the question is not much worth asking in the first place.
As for me:
By God’s grace I have been spared any tragedy or internal struggles. My relationship life has been undramatic, positive, quality over quantity, and I have never been in a serious relationship (despite my best efforts otherwise). I suppose I have remained unmarried for a few of the top culprits:
Circumstance: I’ve moved around a lot…and they do not let the cool kids become professors. My circumstances have changed now that I have stayed put for a few years, with a dream job, in a city filled wall-to-wall with remarkable people.
Idealism: I certainly have held up my ideal of the woman I was looking for and what a Christian relationship should look like — committing many of the failures I wrote about. I’m still not one to “settle,” but God has long since freed me from those isolating idols.
Rejection: I know rejection well. Don’t we all. However, I have never rejected anyone. Yet, at the same time, all the best things about my eligibility, attractiveness, and character ever said to me have all been said in beautiful rejection speeches. I might be “everything she ever wanted,” and “everything a man should be,” but… “I just don’t love you,” “could never love you,” “just don’t see myself ever loving you.” I have heard all these words while looking into the dry eyes of women I could see spending my life with. I have never heard the opposite.
Patience: I suppose it depends on the day, but I’d like to believe this is where I am currently. Content and submissive to God’s will over my own. Biblical “patience” is more about “perseverance” than anything and the concept of “contentment” in no way denotes a “giving up.” I’m out there. Not dead yet.
If you got up in front of my church and asked all those unmarried who thought they would be married by now, nearly every hand would go up. They are all learning what it looks like to honor God in all relationships. At the same time many are dealing with deep emotional baggage, an acute loneliness, and a sometimes debilitating longing for companionship, family, and children. As the years go by the weight of life grows exponentially and often in proportion to their isolation.
My church is not a meat-market…it’s a baggage claim. Instead of asking insensitive small talk questions, look for ways to share life. Most importantly, at no time ever define anyone by their relationship status. Ever. Not helpful.
If nothing else, help a brother or sister out. Do work. Give up some names. Make it happen.
So, why am I single? Current reason:
Rejection. Patience.
