Strategies By Which to Die Alone | Part 1

4 Dumb Types of Self Sabotage Limiting Your Relationships

We all have dumb self destructive tendencies. Personal glitches that can turn us into our own worst enemies. Mental gremlins that cross the wires of what we want most. Well, if you want a healthy relationship or marriage, here are four types of guys that exemplify self sabotage you might have to overcome:

Humphrey:

Humphrey the Bear was a classic Disney cartoon character. In “Hooked Bear,” the Warden brings in a bucket of new fish for the pond. Humphrey gets so excited he throws out all the fish he has in pursuit of the new (and smaller) — ending up with nothing. This is a picture of modern dating. Men have many amazing options already in their life, but new women pour into the city (or school or app) every year and the Humphrey’s follow in a never ending cycle.

This self sabotage is rooted in “different” always being perceived as more attractive combined with basic selfishness or greed. We have a hard time being satisfied with what we have when we always want more. Different from a “paralysis of choice” — where, whether it’s peanut butter or relationships, we have a hard time choosing when given too many choices — this a “flailing of choice.”

If you continue to throw out all you have to go chasing after more options, you just might die alone. Don’t be a Humphrey.

Groucho:

The legendary comedic actor, Groucho Marx, is famously quoted for responding, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member” when declining an invitation to a prestigious club. His line works as insight into why it is often difficult to get men to confess the real reason they are no longer interested in the person they have been chasing after. While no one wants to be the jerk who simply no longer wants what he can have, for a Groucho, something more personal is sometimes the culprit here.

This self sabotage is rooted in our own natural insecurity and self loathing. We think “If she likes me then what does that say about her?” Or, “If she likes me then something must be wrong with her.”

Worse, it may be more egotistically driven. A man may (subconsciously) think, “I want to be with someone so great/beautiful they’d never be with someone like me.” These men are looking to validate a warped self perception and prove themselves by being with a woman society would think “above” them. However, this mental twist ensures that if a woman accepts him, then she is not truly above him. Resetting the cycle.

If someone’s acceptance of you makes you think less of them, then you just might die alone. Don’t be a Groucho.

Doug:

In the fantastic movie, Up, Doug the Dog, being a dog, would be uncontrollably distracted when he saw a squirrel. Forcing him to interrupt everything to give that squirrel his attention. Dougs are easy to spot in the city with remarkable women constantly passing by everywhere you look. You see men with their head on a swivel and changing direction to the point of literally following women into stores. Social media and dating apps only magnify Doug’s distractions. Dogs pretty much never catch the squirrel. Ever see it? No. Well squirrel rhymes with girl. A Doug says he is in lov…girl!

This self sabotage is rooted in our selfish impulsiveness. It often feels like we can’t help it. We can. Men absolutely can. Different than Humphrey, this is more about being too readily distracted while in a relationship. Or about putting our eyes somewhere other than where they should be. In this case, it is less about “different being more attractive” and more about not being willing to turn off our “looking” in order to focus on what is in front of us.

If you won’t stop looking and being distracted by other women, you just might die alone. Don’t be a Doug.

Mario:

Mario, like most video game protagonists, is all about leveling up. As soon as they are on one level, they are trying to get to the next. When it comes to relationships, Marios work so hard and wait so long to find someone to be in a relationship with (someone on their level). Then, as soon as they have that someone a sinister thought creeps in: “If I can get her, then maybe I can get someone better/prettier.” No, you can’t. Sadly, this level hopping often manifests itself most within the “nice guys.” Loneliness and lack of confidence suddenly collide with ego — resulting in a caustic pattern.

This self sabotage is rooted in ego, pride, vanity, insecurity, and selfishness. Even if unintentional, it is still using others — seeing them for what they offer you and your own self worth. Feeding off the affection of others for your own advancement might be the most distasteful strategy for dying alone.

If the support of the person you are with is what gives you the confidence to you think you can be with someone else, you just might die alone. Don’t be a Mario.

What can you do if you recognize any of these dumb behaviors in yourself? Own them and seek wise counsel. Don’t confuse “not sure” with “not meant to be.” Learn to accept the love of those who care about you. Recognize when you are using others and stop doing so. Give the relationships you have your full attention.

Leave a comment on what you think of these types. Are there other strategies for dying alone that should be included?